Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

You may have started the relationship by merging two households, so that you have two of various things, but over the years, possessions are streamlined and replaced.  Then, when you break up, you need to replace the items you've let go, as well as set up a separate household again, with no-one to share the bills.  It's expensive and suddenly everything seems to be about how much everything costs!  What if it wasn't all about money?
Remember the song from that wonderful film High Society? Celeste Holm and Frank Sinatra playing around with all the flashy wedding presents, singing 'I don't!'.
However, I do, actually. I know money can't buy you love, but it can solve so many other problems. When the song was written in 1956-ish, (yes, I know it refers to US dollars) the average price of a house in the UK was roughly £2,500 and a million pounds bought a lot more than it does now, when the national average house price is around £162,250 (and falling).
I'm sure I wouldn't have any problem spending my million, starting with donations to charities.  I don't think I have ever seen as many charity appeals as there are at the moment on TV and the internet.  So many good causes, all crying out for support.
A friend was giving me a pep talk a couple of years ago, and advised that 'you have to be in it to win it'. It was a strange, uncharacteristic and cryptic thing for her to say and therefore a compelling piece of advice. I'm one of those people who always buys raffle tickets and hardly ever wins anything.  My friend's comment made me realise my negative thinking.
It's true - you have to take or make opportunities for good things to happen. Since then, I have been entering any free competitions I find. I had previously never bothered to enter.  I still haven't won anything, but I live in hope.  I'm not the only one.  I was reading some of the comments on a competition site, and there were plenty from people who 'never usually win anything', including a comment from someone who had been entering competitions for 10 years and was about to give up. They were so happy to have won something. I would be thrilled to bits, too.  I would love a windfall, but not at any cost.  I'm not about to enter any TV quiz shows and don't want anyone dying just so that I can be (or at least feel as though I am) rich!
Whenever I see a charity advert, I send out a big wish that the name or number to be drawn will be mine.  And if it's not this week, then hopefully the lucky person will at least donate to a charity and share their good fortune!
I wonder if, back in 1956, a million dollars was really enough to keep servants, have a country estate, buy a plane and/or a yacht? Frankly, you can keep them, although if I were to win, I might allow myself a bottle of champagne!  And if I were to win really big ... dream on!

I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair ...

I've always been quite a messy person and never been one for housework.  I like to do a thorough job and get some satisfaction when I can see a real difference. I used to try to have a 'mad half hour', but have discovered over time that my tolerance for household chores is between 10 and 20 minutes before I get bored/sidetracked/make a cup of tea.  I've a friend who catches up on phone calls while she does some chore or other; the signal comes and goes while she wanders round, then her voice changes as she cradles the phone on one shoulder and talks over the the merry splash and clatter of the washing up.

I was watching the film 'The Holiday' again and wondered what it would be like to be a 'neat freak', to be so clean, tidy and organised that you can drop everything at a moment's notice and just swap houses with someone else.

Recently, I have been trying to have a tidy up, reminding myself that 10 minutes three times a day would still make a difference.  Now I have the cottage mostly to myself and my cats, so I only have myself (and the cats) to blame for the mess.  Usually.  I cleaned the bathroom floor yesterday, and this evening there are muddy footprints all over it where a small herd of workmen have been in and out of the toilet while they do some plastering in the main farmhouse, now inhabited (although it is nowhere near finished) by XP, CG, her daughter, the dog and a hamster.  They'll be back tomorrow, so frankly I can't be bothered to clean it tonight.

That's what puts me off housework.  No sooner have you dusted, than it starts to settle again. I'm always amazed by the amount of fluff and bits in the vacuum cleaner, although I only do the rounds once a week. (It's not so surprising at the moment, with two cats moulting.  This is not a house for someone allergic to cats!)

I'm now finding that there is something cleansing about the cleaning and tidying.  Alongside the cleaning, I am gradually separating possessions and gradually 'evicting' his.  I'm beginning to think more about where I want things.  Why do I still have the kitchen bin where XP had to have it?  What if I rearrange this and have it there instead?  And so I have, cleaning and rearranging here and there to my own considerable satisfaction. Without XP here, I can also burn joss sticks and use perfumed products which would have been banned before, so I'm happily scent marking my space too.

Ultimately, I shall do some redecoration - it's well overdue. Just a coat of white over everything, like a fresh start and a plain background to stamp my personality on.

I've just booked my first proper holiday in over 5 years.  The last time I went on holiday abroad on my own was 24 years ago - almost half my lifetime.  I'm staying with friends, so I'm not as nervous as I might have been.

Bit by bit, I am beginning to feel like my own person again.

Nobody's Perfect

Rejection, regrets and the end of a relationship cause a lot of hurt.  In the course of the break-up or for some time afterwards, you may be subject to a lot of criticism and discover things about yourself of which you aren't proud, either through introspection or from your ex, friends and family, as you find out why the relationship failed and what went wrong.  All this critical analysis can deal serious blows to your self-esteem and result in feeling even more down.  It doesn't help if the criticism is justified or not.  Arguments of the 'you always do X.  Yes, well you do Y' quickly escalate into rows.  Apologise and accept the fault, then save your breath, even if it doesn't stop the ranting criticism.  It's important to realise that, whatever your faults, nobody is perfect.

So while you are working on your bad or irritating habits (and you are going to, right?  Of course; you want to be a better person and there is always room for improvement!) you can also give yourself permission to feel happier without the things which annoyed you about your ex.

Relationships involve a lot of compromise, and it's a safe bet that there were things about your partner which annoyed you to a lesser or greater extent, and which you accepted or ignored, out of love, laziness/passivity/lack of assertion or just in the interests of having a peaceful life.  It's possible that they weren't aware of the compromises you were making, whilst feeling that they were making all the compromises.

Try making a list, if only a mental one, of the things you won't miss about your ex or the relationship you had.  All the petty annoyances to which you turned a blind eye or compromised on. Anything at all.  These can provide a bit of silver lining when you're feeling low.  For example, you may have to do all of the washing up yourself now, instead of sharing the chore, but at least you don't find the drainer full of things which have theoretically been washed up, but are still covered in grease and bits of food.  Or you might have to do all of the cooking, but at least you can cook what you want to eat.  And you can suit yourself about meal times as well.  You might not get a cuddle at night, but you no longer have to fight for the duvet or a fair share of the bed. You might still have to do all the cleaning, but at least you can vacuum and dust when it suits you, without complaints that you are in the way, followed by further complaints about how filthy the house is. You can have a light on to read in bed, watch the programmes you like on TV, wear the clothes and perfume you like ... whatever.  Start counting your blessings, and gradually the hurt feelings will lessen.

Finding New Perspectives

Over a year since my last post on this blog, how time flies!

In the past year, I turned 50 and decided that actually, that was really a great milestone. People asking how old I am were met with 'I'm 50!' delivered with a big grin and the occasional yay!  A lot of the time, this was also met with an incredulous response, that I look younger and I'm firmly convinced that having a good time dancing around a few times a week is responsible for that.  I don't need a boyfriend or partner; I have great friends.  I'm okay!  And then I turned 51 and my health isn't so good, but I still have great friends and it's not going to stop me dancing!

XP and CG's plans have morphed; they have been working on the house renovation with a view to moving into it.  This is something I have struggled with; I've participated a little in the work, but XP would rather not work with me.  It uses our joint money, but I don't have much of a say in how it's spent.  I field calls from builders, but plans aren't discussed with me.  I have to trust that they are working towards our common good - a house which will tempt buyers and sell for a good price. In the meantime, CG and her daughter and dog have moved in, even though the bathroom isn't finished, there are no stairs and no kitchen, as it provides them with an escape from their own less-than-ideal situation. 

I feel a little jealous that I am left with the tatty, damp, cold cottage while the house becomes warm and comfortable, and to a higher specification than originally planned so that it could be sold.  The possibility that they could buy me out has been raised again.  As my and my ex's joint savings are going into refurbishment, I should look on it as an investment, hopefully raising the value of the property.  Soon I shall have the cottage as my own space, but it needs redecorating, at the very least, and I shall have to find my own money for that, although it seems unfair.  I still feel as though I'm in limbo. Perhaps redecorating and doing something with the back yard will give me a fresh perspective, help me to find myself again, assert my identity and feel more empowered.

It feels good to have a plan.  Now all I need is to find some time to implement it!

Feelings and Friends

A while ago, when my emotions were much more raw, I was so miserable and my heart was so heavy that it felt like a lead weight in my chest. I was finding it difficult to move, let alone dance.  Really, not good.  But I realised the world hadn’t ended, so I did some reading around to see how others get over a break-up and deal with the heartache.  It wasn’t very enlightening.  Most of the articles seemed to be aimed at teenagers getting over being dumped by the most recent love of their life after relationships lasting between two months and two years.  There were some articles on divorce, some on bereavement.  Most were long on platitudes and practical advice about lawyers and funeral arrangements, but short on how the dumped/divorced/bereaved could start to deal with the feelings themselves.

In amongst all the old clichés such as ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’ and ‘time heals all wounds’ were little gems which always hold true.  Go and do something which makes you laugh and feel happy. Make time for your friends, whom you may have been neglecting.  And don’t bore your friends to death by talking about your relationship!

This is where you find out who your real friends are, because they are the ones who allow, and sometimes make you talk about your relationship. They listen patiently, make constructive suggestions and provide tea and sympathy. And as you talk and they comment, you start to deal with your feelings and put things into perspective. 

My friend J trained as a bereavement counsellor, and has been through a big break-up herself in the past.  She observed that after a long relationship, a break-up involves some of the same feelings as bereavement; you are grieving for your lost relationship.  She prompted and allowed me to talk things through and regain some objectivity.  And then encouraged me by commenting how much stronger I was becoming.

H supported me with compassion, empathy and healthy food.  What she said seemed to unlock something, so that it came out with my tears of anger, frustration and self-pity and left me feeling calmer and stronger.

Talking to A, who surely has enough troubles of her own, made me realise what a lifeline we are to each other.  It would be so easy just to crawl into your shell rather than face the world when you’re feeling bad, but then what?

R, also a counsellor, is on her second marriage and readily shared her experiences.  She coaches in a subtle way, carrying me along with plans for the future.

In fact, many friends just asked how I was doing and showed they cared.  It’s like a group of angels have spread their wings to buffer and support me.  My beautiful friends, thank you!

Finding the Lost Plot

At some point in the past six months or more, I realised I’d lost the plot and started wondering whether it was possible to know whether I’d gone mad.  I came to the conclusion that I was just having a trying time.  Trying, but not achieving.

Trying to work out what I want to do, how I’m going to support myself.  Trying to find work (not much out there unless you’re happy to be completely flexible with your hours, like you don’t have any other life, travel a long way and get paid the minimum wage although they want someone well-qualified and experienced!).  Trying to sort out priorities, focus and get motivated.  Trying to get a grip, eat healthily, exercise, lose weight, tidy up and sort out.  Trying to get to an empty laundry basket, when I can’t hang the washing outside because it’s constantly raining, and every day brings fresh additions to the basket.  (So, why try?  Because I wanted to feel that I could control and achieve something, anything.)

With some encouragement from a friend, I decided I might explore the handmade clothes and jewellery route a bit more.  My friend ordered a couple of dresses, so I contacted suppliers to get samples of crushed velvets.  Trying to find suppliers, trying to get the right thing out of suppliers … oh deary me.  So, trying to get a sample of a medium-dark green, one sent a grassy, lime green.  ‘Well,’ they said, ‘it’s green’.  Yes, but it’s not the green I asked for!  I asked suppliers for samples of crushed velvets.  I got back from various suppliers samples of vinyls, Vilene, valboa, viscose ….  I know they start with a V as well, but I ordered velvets, online, so they can’t have misheard me!  I ordered a sample of red, and got maroon.  Well, it’s a shade of red, yes, but I wanted red, bright red.  On to another supplier and I ordered a length of red and was sent hot pink.  Trying to get the supplier to change their colour description and the title of the photo to be consistent with the real colour (I haven’t yet checked back to see whether they have acted on their customer’s comments and good advice!)  In trying to get the right shade, I now have a few examples of purples and lilacs.  My friend still hasn’t got her dresses.  I’m still trying to find the right shade of purple and trying to find the time to get them done!

I started finding my computer slowing down, emails missing and attempts to get into Facebook and other websites timing out.  With a little research, I found that I had been trying to get it to do too many things at once – too many applications open, too many windows open, too many tabs, getting the processor thrashing around in confusion.  Hey, I thought, that’s me too!

It’s not only a lost plot, but a lot of other lost things as well, including my first aid certificate, some blank discs, a hoody and a host of socks.  I had 8 odd socks at one point, now down to 4, but this is 4 too many for me (somewhat OC about these things).  Worst of all, I lost my old design book, which is like a little portfolio and reference of various designs, sketches and doodles over several years.  I used to look at it a lot to remind myself of previous ideas and I miss it dreadfully.  I remember mislaying it and thought I had found it again, and then put it somewhere safe … but that could have been a dream.  (See?  Mad!)

The only thing at which I feel I’ve been moderately successful is keeping things relatively peaceful and friendly at home (although I go through phases of trying to hang onto my temper or trying not to feel hurt.)

It all added up to a feeling like I’m never going to get out from under, without being able to identify why I feel as though I’m under.  All things considered, nothing dreadful has happened to me, so I have nothing to complain about!

All of a sudden, Spring is here and things are starting to flow again.  I have discovered that I can be more effective by giving in to some of my compulsions – when I fight them, I start to dither and drift.  By allowing myself to make To Do lists or make a pair of earrings and go with what I feel motivated to do, I feel motivated to tackle other things.  I recently emptied the ironing basket.  It was full of XP’s shirts and trousers, so perhaps doing it was another sign of madness, but the ironing basket has remained empty and may now be repurposed.  Now if I could only empty the washing basket ….

Purring Cats as a Treatment for Heartache

Heartache is aptly named, that heavy, constricted feeling in the chest, sometimes even a real heartburn-like pain, which comes with stress, unhappiness and grief.  Mine has been coming and going for months now.
My cats seem to sense my need for a hug and one will climb up onto my chest, adding to the weight.  They rub their heads against my hands and face, soliciting fuss and cuddles, purring, kneading and rolling around as I stroke their fur and murmur sweet nothings.  It’s as if they are asking me to comfort them, but it works in reverse.  Sometimes they lie there for a while, and the vibration of their rumbling purrs seems to release something, lifting the tension.  They may stay until something disturbs them, or, satisfied that they have done their job for now, they stretch, yawn and jump down.
What would I do without my cats?  They are two of my blessings.  I love them.