A while ago, when my emotions were much more raw, I was so miserable and my heart was so heavy that it felt like a lead weight in my chest. I was finding it difficult to move, let alone dance. Really, not good. But I realised the world hadn’t ended, so I did some reading around to see how others get over a break-up and deal with the heartache. It wasn’t very enlightening. Most of the articles seemed to be aimed at teenagers getting over being dumped by the most recent love of their life after relationships lasting between two months and two years. There were some articles on divorce, some on bereavement. Most were long on platitudes and practical advice about lawyers and funeral arrangements, but short on how the dumped/divorced/bereaved could start to deal with the feelings themselves.
In amongst all the old clichés such as ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’ and ‘time heals all wounds’ were little gems which always hold true. Go and do something which makes you laugh and feel happy. Make time for your friends, whom you may have been neglecting. And don’t bore your friends to death by talking about your relationship!
This is where you find out who your real friends are, because they are the ones who allow, and sometimes make you talk about your relationship. They listen patiently, make constructive suggestions and provide tea and sympathy. And as you talk and they comment, you start to deal with your feelings and put things into perspective.
My friend J trained as a bereavement counsellor, and has been through a big break-up herself in the past. She observed that after a long relationship, a break-up involves some of the same feelings as bereavement; you are grieving for your lost relationship. She prompted and allowed me to talk things through and regain some objectivity. And then encouraged me by commenting how much stronger I was becoming.
H supported me with compassion, empathy and healthy food. What she said seemed to unlock something, so that it came out with my tears of anger, frustration and self-pity and left me feeling calmer and stronger.
Talking to A, who surely has enough troubles of her own, made me realise what a lifeline we are to each other. It would be so easy just to crawl into your shell rather than face the world when you’re feeling bad, but then what?
R, also a counsellor, is on her second marriage and readily shared her experiences. She coaches in a subtle way, carrying me along with plans for the future.
In fact, many friends just asked how I was doing and showed they cared. It’s like a group of angels have spread their wings to buffer and support me. My beautiful friends, thank you!
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Friday, 25 March 2011
Finding the Lost Plot
At some point in the past six months or more, I realised I’d lost the plot and started wondering whether it was possible to know whether I’d gone mad. I came to the conclusion that I was just having a trying time. Trying, but not achieving.
Trying to work out what I want to do, how I’m going to support myself. Trying to find work (not much out there unless you’re happy to be completely flexible with your hours, like you don’t have any other life, travel a long way and get paid the minimum wage although they want someone well-qualified and experienced!). Trying to sort out priorities, focus and get motivated. Trying to get a grip, eat healthily, exercise, lose weight, tidy up and sort out. Trying to get to an empty laundry basket, when I can’t hang the washing outside because it’s constantly raining, and every day brings fresh additions to the basket. (So, why try? Because I wanted to feel that I could control and achieve something, anything.)
With some encouragement from a friend, I decided I might explore the handmade clothes and jewellery route a bit more. My friend ordered a couple of dresses, so I contacted suppliers to get samples of crushed velvets. Trying to find suppliers, trying to get the right thing out of suppliers … oh deary me. So, trying to get a sample of a medium-dark green, one sent a grassy, lime green. ‘Well,’ they said, ‘it’s green’. Yes, but it’s not the green I asked for! I asked suppliers for samples of crushed velvets. I got back from various suppliers samples of vinyls, Vilene, valboa, viscose …. I know they start with a V as well, but I ordered velvets, online, so they can’t have misheard me! I ordered a sample of red, and got maroon. Well, it’s a shade of red, yes, but I wanted red, bright red. On to another supplier and I ordered a length of red and was sent hot pink. Trying to get the supplier to change their colour description and the title of the photo to be consistent with the real colour (I haven’t yet checked back to see whether they have acted on their customer’s comments and good advice!) In trying to get the right shade, I now have a few examples of purples and lilacs. My friend still hasn’t got her dresses. I’m still trying to find the right shade of purple and trying to find the time to get them done!
I started finding my computer slowing down, emails missing and attempts to get into Facebook and other websites timing out. With a little research, I found that I had been trying to get it to do too many things at once – too many applications open, too many windows open, too many tabs, getting the processor thrashing around in confusion. Hey, I thought, that’s me too!
It’s not only a lost plot, but a lot of other lost things as well, including my first aid certificate, some blank discs, a hoody and a host of socks. I had 8 odd socks at one point, now down to 4, but this is 4 too many for me (somewhat OC about these things). Worst of all, I lost my old design book, which is like a little portfolio and reference of various designs, sketches and doodles over several years. I used to look at it a lot to remind myself of previous ideas and I miss it dreadfully. I remember mislaying it and thought I had found it again, and then put it somewhere safe … but that could have been a dream. (See? Mad!)
The only thing at which I feel I’ve been moderately successful is keeping things relatively peaceful and friendly at home (although I go through phases of trying to hang onto my temper or trying not to feel hurt.)
It all added up to a feeling like I’m never going to get out from under, without being able to identify why I feel as though I’m under. All things considered, nothing dreadful has happened to me, so I have nothing to complain about!
All of a sudden, Spring is here and things are starting to flow again. I have discovered that I can be more effective by giving in to some of my compulsions – when I fight them, I start to dither and drift. By allowing myself to make To Do lists or make a pair of earrings and go with what I feel motivated to do, I feel motivated to tackle other things. I recently emptied the ironing basket. It was full of XP’s shirts and trousers, so perhaps doing it was another sign of madness, but the ironing basket has remained empty and may now be repurposed. Now if I could only empty the washing basket ….
Trying to work out what I want to do, how I’m going to support myself. Trying to find work (not much out there unless you’re happy to be completely flexible with your hours, like you don’t have any other life, travel a long way and get paid the minimum wage although they want someone well-qualified and experienced!). Trying to sort out priorities, focus and get motivated. Trying to get a grip, eat healthily, exercise, lose weight, tidy up and sort out. Trying to get to an empty laundry basket, when I can’t hang the washing outside because it’s constantly raining, and every day brings fresh additions to the basket. (So, why try? Because I wanted to feel that I could control and achieve something, anything.)
With some encouragement from a friend, I decided I might explore the handmade clothes and jewellery route a bit more. My friend ordered a couple of dresses, so I contacted suppliers to get samples of crushed velvets. Trying to find suppliers, trying to get the right thing out of suppliers … oh deary me. So, trying to get a sample of a medium-dark green, one sent a grassy, lime green. ‘Well,’ they said, ‘it’s green’. Yes, but it’s not the green I asked for! I asked suppliers for samples of crushed velvets. I got back from various suppliers samples of vinyls, Vilene, valboa, viscose …. I know they start with a V as well, but I ordered velvets, online, so they can’t have misheard me! I ordered a sample of red, and got maroon. Well, it’s a shade of red, yes, but I wanted red, bright red. On to another supplier and I ordered a length of red and was sent hot pink. Trying to get the supplier to change their colour description and the title of the photo to be consistent with the real colour (I haven’t yet checked back to see whether they have acted on their customer’s comments and good advice!) In trying to get the right shade, I now have a few examples of purples and lilacs. My friend still hasn’t got her dresses. I’m still trying to find the right shade of purple and trying to find the time to get them done!
I started finding my computer slowing down, emails missing and attempts to get into Facebook and other websites timing out. With a little research, I found that I had been trying to get it to do too many things at once – too many applications open, too many windows open, too many tabs, getting the processor thrashing around in confusion. Hey, I thought, that’s me too!
It’s not only a lost plot, but a lot of other lost things as well, including my first aid certificate, some blank discs, a hoody and a host of socks. I had 8 odd socks at one point, now down to 4, but this is 4 too many for me (somewhat OC about these things). Worst of all, I lost my old design book, which is like a little portfolio and reference of various designs, sketches and doodles over several years. I used to look at it a lot to remind myself of previous ideas and I miss it dreadfully. I remember mislaying it and thought I had found it again, and then put it somewhere safe … but that could have been a dream. (See? Mad!)
The only thing at which I feel I’ve been moderately successful is keeping things relatively peaceful and friendly at home (although I go through phases of trying to hang onto my temper or trying not to feel hurt.)
It all added up to a feeling like I’m never going to get out from under, without being able to identify why I feel as though I’m under. All things considered, nothing dreadful has happened to me, so I have nothing to complain about!
All of a sudden, Spring is here and things are starting to flow again. I have discovered that I can be more effective by giving in to some of my compulsions – when I fight them, I start to dither and drift. By allowing myself to make To Do lists or make a pair of earrings and go with what I feel motivated to do, I feel motivated to tackle other things. I recently emptied the ironing basket. It was full of XP’s shirts and trousers, so perhaps doing it was another sign of madness, but the ironing basket has remained empty and may now be repurposed. Now if I could only empty the washing basket ….
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