I've always been quite a messy person and never been one for housework. I like to do a thorough job and get some satisfaction when I can see a real difference. I used to try to have a 'mad half hour', but have discovered over time that my tolerance for household chores is between 10 and 20 minutes before I get bored/sidetracked/make a cup of tea. I've a friend who catches up on phone calls while she does some chore or other; the signal comes and goes while she wanders round, then her voice changes as she cradles the phone on one shoulder and talks over the the merry splash and clatter of the washing up.
I was watching the film 'The Holiday' again and wondered what it would be like to be a 'neat freak', to be so clean, tidy and organised that you can drop everything at a moment's notice and just swap houses with someone else.
Recently, I have been trying to have a tidy up, reminding myself that 10 minutes three times a day would still make a difference. Now I have the cottage mostly to myself and my cats, so I only have myself (and the cats) to blame for the mess. Usually. I cleaned the bathroom floor yesterday, and this evening there are muddy footprints all over it where a small herd of workmen have been in and out of the toilet while they do some plastering in the main farmhouse, now inhabited (although it is nowhere near finished) by XP, CG, her daughter, the dog and a hamster. They'll be back tomorrow, so frankly I can't be bothered to clean it tonight.
That's what puts me off housework. No sooner have you dusted, than it starts to settle again. I'm always amazed by the amount of fluff and bits in the vacuum cleaner, although I only do the rounds once a week. (It's not so surprising at the moment, with two cats moulting. This is not a house for someone allergic to cats!)
I'm now finding that there is something cleansing about the cleaning and tidying. Alongside the cleaning, I am gradually separating possessions and gradually 'evicting' his. I'm beginning to think more about where I want things. Why do I still have the kitchen bin where XP had to have it? What if I rearrange this and have it there instead? And so I have, cleaning and rearranging here and there to my own considerable satisfaction. Without XP here, I can also burn joss sticks and use perfumed products which would have been banned before, so I'm happily scent marking my space too.
Ultimately, I shall do some redecoration - it's well overdue. Just a coat of white over everything, like a fresh start and a plain background to stamp my personality on.
I've just booked my first proper holiday in over 5 years. The last time I went on holiday abroad on my own was 24 years ago - almost half my lifetime. I'm staying with friends, so I'm not as nervous as I might have been.
Bit by bit, I am beginning to feel like my own person again.
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
Friday, 22 June 2012
Nobody's Perfect
Rejection, regrets and the end of a relationship cause a lot of hurt. In the course of the break-up or for some time afterwards, you may be subject to a lot of criticism and discover things about yourself of which you aren't proud, either through introspection or from your ex, friends and family, as you find out why the relationship failed and what went wrong. All this critical analysis can deal serious blows to your self-esteem and result in feeling even more down. It doesn't help if the criticism is justified or not. Arguments of the 'you always do X. Yes, well you do Y' quickly escalate into rows. Apologise and accept the fault, then save your breath, even if it doesn't stop the ranting criticism. It's important to realise that, whatever your faults, nobody is perfect.
So while you are working on your bad or irritating habits (and you are going to, right? Of course; you want to be a better person and there is always room for improvement!) you can also give yourself permission to feel happier without the things which annoyed you about your ex.
Relationships involve a lot of compromise, and it's a safe bet that there were things about your partner which annoyed you to a lesser or greater extent, and which you accepted or ignored, out of love, laziness/passivity/lack of assertion or just in the interests of having a peaceful life. It's possible that they weren't aware of the compromises you were making, whilst feeling that they were making all the compromises.
Try making a list, if only a mental one, of the things you won't miss about your ex or the relationship you had. All the petty annoyances to which you turned a blind eye or compromised on. Anything at all. These can provide a bit of silver lining when you're feeling low. For example, you may have to do all of the washing up yourself now, instead of sharing the chore, but at least you don't find the drainer full of things which have theoretically been washed up, but are still covered in grease and bits of food. Or you might have to do all of the cooking, but at least you can cook what you want to eat. And you can suit yourself about meal times as well. You might not get a cuddle at night, but you no longer have to fight for the duvet or a fair share of the bed. You might still have to do all the cleaning, but at least you can vacuum and dust when it suits you, without complaints that you are in the way, followed by further complaints about how filthy the house is. You can have a light on to read in bed, watch the programmes you like on TV, wear the clothes and perfume you like ... whatever. Start counting your blessings, and gradually the hurt feelings will lessen.
So while you are working on your bad or irritating habits (and you are going to, right? Of course; you want to be a better person and there is always room for improvement!) you can also give yourself permission to feel happier without the things which annoyed you about your ex.
Relationships involve a lot of compromise, and it's a safe bet that there were things about your partner which annoyed you to a lesser or greater extent, and which you accepted or ignored, out of love, laziness/passivity/lack of assertion or just in the interests of having a peaceful life. It's possible that they weren't aware of the compromises you were making, whilst feeling that they were making all the compromises.
Try making a list, if only a mental one, of the things you won't miss about your ex or the relationship you had. All the petty annoyances to which you turned a blind eye or compromised on. Anything at all. These can provide a bit of silver lining when you're feeling low. For example, you may have to do all of the washing up yourself now, instead of sharing the chore, but at least you don't find the drainer full of things which have theoretically been washed up, but are still covered in grease and bits of food. Or you might have to do all of the cooking, but at least you can cook what you want to eat. And you can suit yourself about meal times as well. You might not get a cuddle at night, but you no longer have to fight for the duvet or a fair share of the bed. You might still have to do all the cleaning, but at least you can vacuum and dust when it suits you, without complaints that you are in the way, followed by further complaints about how filthy the house is. You can have a light on to read in bed, watch the programmes you like on TV, wear the clothes and perfume you like ... whatever. Start counting your blessings, and gradually the hurt feelings will lessen.
Finding New Perspectives
Over a year since my last post on this blog, how time flies!
In the past year, I turned 50 and decided that actually, that was really a great milestone. People asking how old I am were met with 'I'm 50!' delivered with a big grin and the occasional yay! A lot of the time, this was also met with an incredulous response, that I look younger and I'm firmly convinced that having a good time dancing around a few times a week is responsible for that. I don't need a boyfriend or partner; I have great friends. I'm okay! And then I turned 51 and my health isn't so good, but I still have great friends and it's not going to stop me dancing!
XP and CG's plans have morphed; they have been working on the house renovation with a view to moving into it. This is something I have struggled with; I've participated a little in the work, but XP would rather not work with me. It uses our joint money, but I don't have much of a say in how it's spent. I field calls from builders, but plans aren't discussed with me. I have to trust that they are working towards our common good - a house which will tempt buyers and sell for a good price. In the meantime, CG and her daughter and dog have moved in, even though the bathroom isn't finished, there are no stairs and no kitchen, as it provides them with an escape from their own less-than-ideal situation.
I feel a little jealous that I am left with the tatty, damp, cold cottage while the house becomes warm and comfortable, and to a higher specification than originally planned so that it could be sold. The possibility that they could buy me out has been raised again. As my and my ex's joint savings are going into refurbishment, I should look on it as an investment, hopefully raising the value of the property. Soon I shall have the cottage as my own space, but it needs redecorating, at the very least, and I shall have to find my own money for that, although it seems unfair. I still feel as though I'm in limbo. Perhaps redecorating and doing something with the back yard will give me a fresh perspective, help me to find myself again, assert my identity and feel more empowered.
It feels good to have a plan. Now all I need is to find some time to implement it!
In the past year, I turned 50 and decided that actually, that was really a great milestone. People asking how old I am were met with 'I'm 50!' delivered with a big grin and the occasional yay! A lot of the time, this was also met with an incredulous response, that I look younger and I'm firmly convinced that having a good time dancing around a few times a week is responsible for that. I don't need a boyfriend or partner; I have great friends. I'm okay! And then I turned 51 and my health isn't so good, but I still have great friends and it's not going to stop me dancing!
XP and CG's plans have morphed; they have been working on the house renovation with a view to moving into it. This is something I have struggled with; I've participated a little in the work, but XP would rather not work with me. It uses our joint money, but I don't have much of a say in how it's spent. I field calls from builders, but plans aren't discussed with me. I have to trust that they are working towards our common good - a house which will tempt buyers and sell for a good price. In the meantime, CG and her daughter and dog have moved in, even though the bathroom isn't finished, there are no stairs and no kitchen, as it provides them with an escape from their own less-than-ideal situation.
I feel a little jealous that I am left with the tatty, damp, cold cottage while the house becomes warm and comfortable, and to a higher specification than originally planned so that it could be sold. The possibility that they could buy me out has been raised again. As my and my ex's joint savings are going into refurbishment, I should look on it as an investment, hopefully raising the value of the property. Soon I shall have the cottage as my own space, but it needs redecorating, at the very least, and I shall have to find my own money for that, although it seems unfair. I still feel as though I'm in limbo. Perhaps redecorating and doing something with the back yard will give me a fresh perspective, help me to find myself again, assert my identity and feel more empowered.
It feels good to have a plan. Now all I need is to find some time to implement it!
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